OUR MARITAL HEALTH/SEX AND PROBLEMS OF DAILY LIVING: LOVE POLYGONS- SOME OF THE RECOMMENDATIONS IN THIS AREA

May 18, 2009, 12:53 pm

Here were some of the recommendations in this area.

1. Your spouse should be introduced to all of your friends at least once. Each of us needs distance and our own chance to be free and be a “non-spouse” once in a while, but super marital sex depends on total disclosure. Make sure your spouse knows everybody you know.

2. Never, but never, criticize your spouse to someone else or in front of someone else. Marriage is for intimacy, and that includes the dignity of both sexual and problem-solving privacy. One angry wife stated, “Unless you want to have sex with me in public, don’t try to screw me in front of our friends.” Take your spouse with you when out with your friends sometimes. There is no rule that all groups must match up gender for gender, couple for couple. Maybe your spouse could become a different type of friend to you by seeing your friends and relating to them in different settings. This was the idea behind the “managed-a-trois” assignment discussed earlier.

3 If you are putting more effort into your friendships and into your interactions outside of marriage, stop and ask why. Your primary energy, including your emotional and physical presentation of yourself, should be for the marriage.

4. When your spouse is available, take advantage of it. Time is always a problem, so talking on the phone or spending time with friends while your spouse “waits” can cause subtle and sometimes not so subtle messages of lack of concern or feelings for your partner. Try to schedule most of your calling and visiting when your spouse is not available or when you have mutually planned some time for other friends.

5. You do not have to be inseparable. Go to some couples’ parties without your spouse when this seems convenient. One reason for friends is that they provide variety, different points of view and feelings. If one or the other of you feels that you are going to a dinner or party reluctantly or as a favor, discuss the possibility of going alone. Your host or hostess will probably be shocked at first, and rumors of your impending divorce will start immediately. You know better, and that is what really matters. Show off. Show them that your super marriage is strong enough to allow for independence.

I have described six of the “dirty dozen” problems that can affect super marital sex. You and your partner have reviewed each issue together and come up with some of your own plans for dealing with these problem areas. Dealing with loss, parenting, parenting your parents, working and loving, finances, and working others in and out of your marriage are strong challenges in themselves, so take a break here before going over the last six problems. Stand up and hug. If you have some time, have some super sex. You’ve earned it.

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