YOUR REACTIONS TO CANCER: FEAR
Any step into unknown territory holds fears. Starting college or a new job, moving house and visiting the dentist all cause us a degree of fear either because we don’t know what to expect from the experience and/or because we anticipate that it will be unpleasant. Dealing with cancer is certainly a league ahead in terms of the intensity of our fears, but the root cause is the same: fear of the unknown. There are so many unknown factors involved that our security is profoundly threatened:
Will I be in pain?
What is the treatment like?
Will the treatment hurt?
Will the treatment work?
What does the future hold for me?
How will my family cope?
Will my life ever be ‘normal’ again?
How will I manage to get through this?
Becoming well-informed about your cancer and treatment can help to allay certain fears: the greater your knowledge and understanding of what is happening, the more control you can take and the less uncertainty you will feel about specific aspects of your disease or treatment. However, fear is not a logical emotion and a theoretical understanding will not always prevent you from worrying. It cannot necessarily help you with more general fears – about coping or about the future, for example.
One of the aspects of cancer and its treatment which causes most fear is uncertainty: uncertainty at how effective your treatment is and uncertainty at how much of your cancer will be eradicated. Waiting for the results of X-rays or blood tests, perhaps not hearing anything for several weeks between treatments, can cause great anxiety. You don’t know what to prepare yourself for or what plans to make, you can’t stop thinking about what might or might not happen. Tension is bound to build up, however much you try to take your mind off your cancer.
After the first awful month or six weeks, it was clear that I was responding well to my chemotherapy. Following so much bad news, this was more than we could have hoped for. But there was still a very long way to go and although my tumour markers were moving in the right direction, there was no guarantee that this would continue. We anticipated each hospital visit (weekly at this stage) with a mixture of unvoiced hope and stomach-turning trepidation. Butterflies? Legions of them, all on overtime. If the details were not immediately forthcoming, it took a huge effort of will to ask, ‘What are my tumour markers this week?’ or ‘What did the CT scan show?’
Apart from immediate fears about the possible unpleasantness of treatment, thinking about the future is likely to emerge as your single greatest fear. This can encompass a whole range of ideas, from ‘How will I manage to get through my treatment?’ to ‘Will I ever get better?’ At times when you are feeling physically low, you might wonder if you can bear to undergo any more treatment or how you can possibly tolerate the effects of your cancer any longer. How will you cope if you become physically incapacitated in some way? Who will look after you? How will you manage financially? Do you fear that your family and friends will eventually tire of supporting you and that you will feel a burden to them?
Fighting against cancer shakes the very foundations of your life, and it would be unusual not to experience fears that your life is toppling around you. These thought processes cannot be banished, but you can help to keep them in perspective by sharing them with someone you trust to take you seriously and listen. There may be times when you know your fears are irrational, but you need someone to take the time to talk them through with you. You may not expect solutions to your fears, but sharing them and knowing that someone you like and respect acknowledges and appreciates your worries can make them more bearable.
Just to hear someone say, ‘Of course you’re not being stupid! I can see now how difficult this is for you’ or T hadn’t appreciated until now how cancer takes over your life’ can be enormously helpful and will help you to realize that you don’t have to face your fears alone.
Sometimes a desire to express anxiety can be inhibited by a superstitious worry that voicing fears will somehow make them come true. For example, you are anxious that your treatment might not be as effective as you’d hoped, but you daren’t say so because you don’t want to ‘tempt fate’. We know this cannot happen but it can still make us hold back from saying all we want to. Even sharing this fear can help. Nobody will think you foolish: others are likely to admit to exactly the same worry.
If you spend a lot of time alone, your fears are more likely to become magnified. Similarly, if you are not sleeping well, fears can get out of control in the middle of the night. It would be foolish to pretend that they can be avoided completely, but it is important not to allow them to take over your mind. Sharing your worries will help. It is tempting to be ’strong’ and keep them to yourself, but the people around you will be aware of your state of mind and will want to help. It is, however, important to remember that there may be occasions when you simply prefer to maintain a ’stiff upper lip’. There are times when this can be an equally valid coping mechanism.
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